Suge Knight Won't Be Getting On Any Airplanes

So, Suge Knight got shot the other day. I feel like he is constantly getting shot. If President Kennedy had Suge Knight's ability to take a bullet, this would be one helluva different country right now, I can tell you.

A friend and I were discussing Mr. Knight's repeated misfortune (maybe people around him get shot and I'm just conflating the stories). He was apparently shot at a party MTV was giving for Kanye West (whose new album is delish) in the weekend before the Video Music Awards. We got to thinking about what the memos inside MTV must have looked like as the VMAs drew nearer:

To: All MTV staff
From: Corporate
Date: August 17, 2005
Re: Caps

Hey everybody. Just a friendly note reminding everyone that under no circumstances should anyone affiliated with MTV Networks or the Viacom Corporation shoot, stab, or otherwise maim Suge Knight during the Video Music Awards or any VMA-related events. Mr. Knight has made it clear that his ability to bounce back from repeated shootings and incarcerations is not an invitation to shoot him or confine him in a jail cell.

Any shooting of Mr. Knight will be investigated regardless of whether he is able to attend other parties/events during the weekend. MTV Networks and Viacom Corporation take all shootings very seriously.

Another memo we imagined was one circulated at Knight's record label, which used to be called Death Row Records, but keeps changing its name, so it's probably Kill House Records, or We'll Kill You Records, or Suge Knight Had Been Shot Again and Again Records. Tha Row. That's it.

To: All Employees
From: Lemuel 'Father Raper' Roggendorf, COO
Re: VMA Blood Drive

As you may know, Tha Row records co-founder and chairman Marion 'Suge' Knight will be attending two parties, a brunch reception as well as the awards ceremony during this weekend's MTV Video Music Awards festivities. As a result of this schedule, there's a good chance that he will be shot or stabbed at one of the events, all of which will include very high security and will take place in staggeringly posh hotels. None of this has ever affected the relentless drive of persons unknown to continually stab, shoot or otherwise harm Mr. Knight.

To ensure that a safe and stable supply of plasma is available, Tha Row Records staff phlebotomist Dr. Philip Steinberg will be collecting blood donations (type a-positive) in the small conference room today and tomorrow until 3 pm. Please stop by and make sure that Suge makes it out of Miami alive.