Look, I would hardly be considered a sports fan. And I don't watch much sport news programming on TV. I'm much more of a literary person, and that doesn't mean that I watch that nauseating BookTV on C-Span, it means I like to read about sports. Sports news on television (forget sports radio, it makes blogging seem like friggin' high art) is generally stupid and repetitive. I mean, I like a well-constructed four minute sports segment as much as the next guy, but for the most part the TV's got the fluff. And a lot of 'reporting' that happens on TV (sidelines especially) borders on the masturbatory. So I like to get my sports news from a newspaper. Call me old fashioned. At least I read it on the web.
Anyhow, as I said, I like to watch games, but not sports news, and I like to read about sports after it has happened and someone has answered all the questions and digested them into a useful format I can read in a few minutes.
Imagine, then, my surprise when the Monday papers were filled to bursting with tales of the 'emotional' victory of the New Orleans Saints over, I don't know, I think the Carolina Panthers. It was apparently a real big deal that the Saints won because their city (except the rich part) was destroyed by a gigantic flood, and they won't be playing there again until 2006 or so.
It about made me sick. Because football is such a nasty, commodotized industry that it's impossible for me to believe that this team has any more of a connection with New Orleans than any other team has with its hometown. I scanned the roster, and I count two people who went to college in the area, and only one of those grew up there (the other one went to a weird little junior college in Mississippi and was born in Connecticut, go figure). There's nothing wrong with this, it just means that the New Orleans Saints' win in the face of the hurricane's destruction of New Orleans is no more 'emotional' than my ability to catch the bus on Monday. 'Against the odds,' I was running late and I was 'playing for my hometown,' or at least trying not to be late for work again. Give me a break.
Oh, and what the hell, Gees? The Falcons ate the Eagles for lunch yesterday. Field goals? Field goals? Seriously, I didn't watch past the half because I figured I was in on the jinx, but things didn't get much better after I hit the sack. Thoughts?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Turn on, tune in, and die.
I'd rather be in NeverLand trying to catch the elusive Pan with my feet housed in concrete Timberlands, than watching say, ANYTHING on MTV. Especially the ocean of putridity that is the VMA's. Yes, it's no longer music television my friends. I shall rename MTV the more apt moniker "make them vomit".
And boy, was I choking back the chunks like a bulemic before she hits the bathroom when my senses were raped by the ever so shitty Diddy, his jutting jowls, and his terrible version of this out-of-control-boulder-of-dung-rolling-down-the-mountain awards show. And when I say terrible, I'm not just on a fan boat whistling the anthem of the slave states.
Yeah, I can't believe it, but I managed to stomach the VMA's for the longest time in years the other night with my wife; who, conversely watches shows like this as a mother crocodile watches her clutch of eggs. My mouth was agape and arid at what the once legitimate cable network tried to pawn off of as "cool". Seriously, you think 4 bucks a gallon for George W's crude is cruel and unusual? Try to watch Fifty Cent do anything at all without wanting to slice your wrists vertically and just leak. Absolute garbage. I wanted to jump through the TV with a lampshade, put it on Fitty's head, and kick him square. But he's sold drugs, been shot countless times, heavily tatted, on steroids, talentless; yet he's the truth dog. Fitty y'all.
And oh, how could I forget Kanye "I'm MTV's Newest Tampon" West's face on three straight commercial spots during this disaster. This ensued just after an abominable performance by Kanye and Jamie "I got an Oscar for a prolonged In Living Color impression" Foxx that was reminiscent of a Super Bowl halftime show sans Jimmy Buffet, Aretha Franklin, and Tim McGraw/Faith Hill. The overexposed duo were wearing old-school tuxes while Kanye's chipmunk cheeks spat out blather about girls goin' 'head,doin' their thing, gold-digging and such. During this televised abortion, I predicted that "Wanda" would be trippin' enough that he would be taking off his shirt to show the world his Bowflex body. Which he did. Sadly, Jamie isn't anymore entertaining as a singer/sidekick without a shirt. Oh, and by the way, Kanye West didn't put Chicago on the map; contrary to what MTV and Pepsi would have you believe. He's a semi-talent that just so happens to be the hugest sensation since the last gimmickcopeia MTV deemed their favorite son of the month. Last week.
But clearly, the worst atrocity MTV committed was when they thought it would be a good idea to link Paris "I am a rhythmless whore that has a different wang in my mouth ad nauseum and I'm wildly famous why?" Hilton and Bow "Don't call me Li'l" Wow, complete with his own velour doggy paw costume, for some good-natured "how much ice you rockin?'" banter. I have 65 karats, ooh, I've got 200! F'real? F'real. That's hot.
Folks, the end is near. A nimrod cowboy has the veto stamper of all veto stampers and uses it to jettison all things good. Lifetime jit-bag fratboys who wear power ties are spending over one hundred bucks a pop to fill up their stupid fucking I-don't-have-a-small-dick-Hummers. Hurricane victims shoot at rescue teams that attempt to help fellow hurricane victims with stolen guns from the "store" that killed Americana. And to make matters worse, Gilligan is dead.
Do you hear that? I think it's the four horsemans' horns a'blowing. Repent all ye sinners! We're damned; and I don't see G. Dubya or MTV dying for our sins.
So turn on one of G.Dub's inarticulate offerings whilst listening to Ciara or Li'l Jon's latest krunktastic gem and die in a puddle of cynicism and sweet disbelief. And thanks MTV for telling young kids everywhere that it's not their job to determine what's cool; it's yours.
And that's the way it is. Forever and ever, amen, yo.
And boy, was I choking back the chunks like a bulemic before she hits the bathroom when my senses were raped by the ever so shitty Diddy, his jutting jowls, and his terrible version of this out-of-control-boulder-of-dung-rolling-down-the-mountain awards show. And when I say terrible, I'm not just on a fan boat whistling the anthem of the slave states.
Yeah, I can't believe it, but I managed to stomach the VMA's for the longest time in years the other night with my wife; who, conversely watches shows like this as a mother crocodile watches her clutch of eggs. My mouth was agape and arid at what the once legitimate cable network tried to pawn off of as "cool". Seriously, you think 4 bucks a gallon for George W's crude is cruel and unusual? Try to watch Fifty Cent do anything at all without wanting to slice your wrists vertically and just leak. Absolute garbage. I wanted to jump through the TV with a lampshade, put it on Fitty's head, and kick him square. But he's sold drugs, been shot countless times, heavily tatted, on steroids, talentless; yet he's the truth dog. Fitty y'all.
And oh, how could I forget Kanye "I'm MTV's Newest Tampon" West's face on three straight commercial spots during this disaster. This ensued just after an abominable performance by Kanye and Jamie "I got an Oscar for a prolonged In Living Color impression" Foxx that was reminiscent of a Super Bowl halftime show sans Jimmy Buffet, Aretha Franklin, and Tim McGraw/Faith Hill. The overexposed duo were wearing old-school tuxes while Kanye's chipmunk cheeks spat out blather about girls goin' 'head,doin' their thing, gold-digging and such. During this televised abortion, I predicted that "Wanda" would be trippin' enough that he would be taking off his shirt to show the world his Bowflex body. Which he did. Sadly, Jamie isn't anymore entertaining as a singer/sidekick without a shirt. Oh, and by the way, Kanye West didn't put Chicago on the map; contrary to what MTV and Pepsi would have you believe. He's a semi-talent that just so happens to be the hugest sensation since the last gimmickcopeia MTV deemed their favorite son of the month. Last week.
But clearly, the worst atrocity MTV committed was when they thought it would be a good idea to link Paris "I am a rhythmless whore that has a different wang in my mouth ad nauseum and I'm wildly famous why?" Hilton and Bow "Don't call me Li'l" Wow, complete with his own velour doggy paw costume, for some good-natured "how much ice you rockin?'" banter. I have 65 karats, ooh, I've got 200! F'real? F'real. That's hot.
Folks, the end is near. A nimrod cowboy has the veto stamper of all veto stampers and uses it to jettison all things good. Lifetime jit-bag fratboys who wear power ties are spending over one hundred bucks a pop to fill up their stupid fucking I-don't-have-a-small-dick-Hummers. Hurricane victims shoot at rescue teams that attempt to help fellow hurricane victims with stolen guns from the "store" that killed Americana. And to make matters worse, Gilligan is dead.
Do you hear that? I think it's the four horsemans' horns a'blowing. Repent all ye sinners! We're damned; and I don't see G. Dubya or MTV dying for our sins.
So turn on one of G.Dub's inarticulate offerings whilst listening to Ciara or Li'l Jon's latest krunktastic gem and die in a puddle of cynicism and sweet disbelief. And thanks MTV for telling young kids everywhere that it's not their job to determine what's cool; it's yours.
And that's the way it is. Forever and ever, amen, yo.
Monday, September 05, 2005
The Problem as I See It
The trouble, I would have to admit, with this entire system, is probably greater in a lot of people's eyes than I see. But in my eyes, it's terrible.
We've taken this old warhorse as far as she'll go and I think we've got to give up the ghost. Just look at what 'success' is here:
Schools: We've got systems -- systems born of bipartisan support -- which the whole educational universe regards now as an utter failure. No Child Left Behind has an incredble system design to find the schools which require the most help. Only, the system then punishes those schools by cutting resources. People may complain about throwing money at problems, but I've never seen a kid do better in a school that can't afford books, maintenance, teachers and security.
Health Care: No matter what we do, we still have more than 40 million people uninsured. The government actually thinks this is okay. They seem to believe that if we insure people they will go to the hospital when they're sick (shocking!). This outcome is somehow viewed as bad by our leaders who, I presume, hope people will be healed by the power of Jesus, or frequent wars.
Security: There may not be a bigger joke in this country than the illusion of security. Just ask the black people from New Orleans. We have created a myth of security that we use our own knowledge to prop up. In fact, the only source of security -- internationally, nationally and locally -- is properity. But not the code-talk bullshit prosperity that Bush says when he really wants to say, 'less taxes for rich people.' Real, cold, surprising, lift-all-boats prosperity like we had to some degree during the Clinton administration. Now I'm a Clinton realist. Unemployment was down, for real, we had friends around the world and dollar-a-gallon gas. What fucking happened? Problems that were bad got worse and things that were good got shit on again and again. The result is this imbalanced daily screw-job that our soldiers and the economic class they come from put up with daily. That is getting honed by corporations, getting abandoned by your government and getting duped into believing that Jesus or the savior of your choice would want you to ask for more.
It's bullshit. We're sunk. Stick a fork in this fucker. It's done.
We've taken this old warhorse as far as she'll go and I think we've got to give up the ghost. Just look at what 'success' is here:
Schools: We've got systems -- systems born of bipartisan support -- which the whole educational universe regards now as an utter failure. No Child Left Behind has an incredble system design to find the schools which require the most help. Only, the system then punishes those schools by cutting resources. People may complain about throwing money at problems, but I've never seen a kid do better in a school that can't afford books, maintenance, teachers and security.
Health Care: No matter what we do, we still have more than 40 million people uninsured. The government actually thinks this is okay. They seem to believe that if we insure people they will go to the hospital when they're sick (shocking!). This outcome is somehow viewed as bad by our leaders who, I presume, hope people will be healed by the power of Jesus, or frequent wars.
Security: There may not be a bigger joke in this country than the illusion of security. Just ask the black people from New Orleans. We have created a myth of security that we use our own knowledge to prop up. In fact, the only source of security -- internationally, nationally and locally -- is properity. But not the code-talk bullshit prosperity that Bush says when he really wants to say, 'less taxes for rich people.' Real, cold, surprising, lift-all-boats prosperity like we had to some degree during the Clinton administration. Now I'm a Clinton realist. Unemployment was down, for real, we had friends around the world and dollar-a-gallon gas. What fucking happened? Problems that were bad got worse and things that were good got shit on again and again. The result is this imbalanced daily screw-job that our soldiers and the economic class they come from put up with daily. That is getting honed by corporations, getting abandoned by your government and getting duped into believing that Jesus or the savior of your choice would want you to ask for more.
It's bullshit. We're sunk. Stick a fork in this fucker. It's done.
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